


Red Wine

by Randstrom



Series: DDHFC AU [1]
Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Anxiety, Gen, Insecurity, Panic, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-10-06 23:56:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17355062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Randstrom/pseuds/Randstrom
Summary: Yuri, in hopes of winning the friendship of her fellow club members, brings a bottle of wine to the literature club meeting."Drinking alcohol is what normal high school kids do for fun, right?"





	Red Wine

_ Maybe this was a mistake... _

 

The thought rings in my head as I walk through the school, carrying my contraband. The extra weight in my bag causes my back to ache even more than usual as I make my way up the stairs. My heart pounds with an intensity not warranted by such a small climb.

 

_ Keep it together, Yuri, you’re not even at the club room yet. No need to panic. _

 

I try to focus on taking slow, deep breaths, but the swarm of other students meandering about the hallway keeps breaking my concentration. Even when I  _ know _ they’re not looking at me I can still feel their eyes. It's like the mere potential of their disdainful glares is burning a hole through me. 

 

I quicken my pace.

 

When I finally reach the club room, I hurriedly slip through the door and around the corner, where I lean against the wall. I bring my hands to my face and breathe deeply while the tingling adrenaline gradually subsides. 

 

It’s a good thing I’m always the first to arrive; it gives me a minute to compose myself on days like this. I take a seat in the back of the classroom, where nobody passing in the hallway will be able to see me. Eager to escape into my book, I open my bag, but the sight of the bottle brings my brief moment of relief to an end- I was so freaked out by the crowd that I forgot the thing that was making me anxious in the first place.

 

_ God, I’m such a helpless scatterbrain. _

 

I hunch over and bury my face in my book while I wait for the others to arrive. I know this makes me less approachable, which is the opposite of what I generally want, but I’m too shaken up to handle anyone trying to start a conversation with me right now.

 

_ Like anyone would want to talk to me beyond the obligatory “hi” in the first place... _

 

No, I shouldn't think like that… It is why I’m doing this though. If I can demonstrate my value by providing something that’s difficult for people our age to get, maybe they’ll think to include me more often outside of the club. 

Drinking alcohol  _ is _ what normal high school kids do for fun, right?

 

_ I wish I had a better understanding of people. _

 

_ And I wish this stuff didn’t taste so awful. It would help if I actually enjoyed the thing that’s going to make me friends. _

 

Maybe I’m being too negative. Maybe someone in the club would consider me a friend after all. Sayori’s actually been chatting with me occasionally, asking about my books and music. It’s been quite pleasant, but I can’t escape the feeling that she only does so out of obligation. She’s the vice president after all, so engaging with members is one of her duties…

 

My thoughts are interrupted when Natsuki and Monika enter the room together. Thankfully they’re in the midst of a conversation, so a smile and a wave suffice as greetings.

 

A few minutes pass before Sayori strides in. 

“Hi everyone!”

 

Realizing Monika and Natsuki are in the middle of a discussion, she turns to me with a friendly expression.   
“How are you, Yuri?”

 

I look up from my book and wave meekly, forcing a smile.

“Hi,”

 

That came out much softer than I meant it to. It was barely more than a whisper.

 

_ Did she even hear? Does she think I just mouthed the word at her?  _

_ Is ‘Hi’ even an appropriate response to ‘How are you?’ _

 

I can feel my face getting hot. 

 

_ Wait, how long has it been since I responded? Have I just been spacing out in front of her? _

 

Sayori comes close, kneeling next to my desk.

“Hey, is everything alright? It seems like there might be something bothering you.”

 

_ If she only knew what my arms look like... _

 

“Oh, n-no, I’m okay, I ju-  j- j- j- j-”

 

_ Oh no... Please not now.  _

 

I always stutter to some extent, but sometimes, when it’s bad, I get totally stuck. I can’t even complete a sentence, and I make this weird, involuntary squinting face... 

It’s never happened in front of anyone from the club before, though.

 

_ Why is my anxiety so bad today? Are my nerves really that frayed? Normally this conversation would make me slightly uncomfortable, but it would hardly phase me. _

 

My eyes sting as I fight back shameful tears. I tilt my head to face the floor, hiding behind the curtain of my hair.

 

Sayori places a hand gently on my shoulder.

“Hey. It’s okay. Do you need some time alone?”

 

I nod without looking up. I don’t want her to see my face. I don’t want anyone to see me at all. I wish I could just be invisible. 

 

_ I wish I could just stop existing.  _

 

She gives my shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

“Okay. If you change your mind and need someone to talk to, I’ll be here.”

 

With that, she makes her way to the front of the classroom, and joins in chatting with the other two.

 

_ Way to go you stupid babbling freak. Now she's worried about you.  _

 

I massage my temples and try to take deep breaths, closing my eyes. Suddenly, images of open, bleeding cuts flash through my mind. I’m filled with longing, shortly joined by guilt and shame.

 

_ Alright, I guess I can’t let my mind idle right now. Time for some distraction. _

 

I open my book and thumb through the pages until I find where I left off. I need a little while to calm down before I present the wine anyway.

 

\----------

 

It’s been a whole hour and I still haven’t said anything. Every time I want to speak up, the words get clogged in my throat. My heart palpitates and it feels like a shard of glass is wedged in my sternum. 

 

_ Why am I such a fucking social invalid? Why are the most basic of interactions so overwhelming? _

 

I glance around the room.  Everyone seems relaxed, either reading or writing.

 

_ No, calm down, Yuri, you can do this.  _

 

It’s too late to turn back now anyway. The chaos of the family party allowed me to swipe the bottle unnoticed, but if it were to reappear, it would definitely raise questions. And I can’t carry it around forever...

 

_ Just pretend you’re about to offer them tea. _ __  
  


I retrieve the wine from my bag and set it quietly on my desk.   
“W-would anyone like some wine?”

 

Sayori, Monika, and Natsuki turn towards me all at once, wearing looks of bewilderment. 

 

Natsuki, the first to process what she sees, bursts out laughing.

“Are you fucking kidding me?!? Ahahahaha!”

 

Monika stares with her mouth slightly agape and her finger raised up. It seems like she wants to say something, but words have escaped her.

 

I shift my gaze to Sayori, who looks…  _ oh my god… _

_  
_ “What?       WHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUS YURI?!?”

 

My stomach drops as nausea shudders through my body. The look in her eyes… It’s…  _ terrifying.  _

 

“You can’t do this kind of stuff, Yuri! You CAN’T!!! Do you have ANY IDEA how much trouble we could get in if someone saw this?!?”

 

Natsuki isn’t laughing anymore. She and Monika sit, dumbfounded.

 

“You would be suspended at the very least, maybe worse! Not to mention that it’s ILLEGAL!”

 

My heart feels like its desperately trying to burst through my ribs and escape.

 

“They would probably disband the literature club too! I can’t believe YOU of all people would jeopardize this! Isn’t this the one place where you even talk to anybody?!?”

 

I feel hot tingling from deep inside my chest. Slowly but steadily it radiates out into my arms, legs, and face.

_ Please god no… _

I know I’m just seconds away from a panic attack. I need to get out of here.

 

She’s still yelling but I can’t even understand her words anymore. It’s just noise. I run from the classroom as the hyperventilation starts. A degree of separation makes its way between my mind and my body. I try to slow my breathing, but it’s like there’s a short circuit preventing the signals from reaching my lungs. My vision is starting to lapse and pulsate.

 

Miraculously, I’m able to make it to the bathroom without passing out. I stumble into one of the stalls and collapse as the episode approaches its peak. It feels like I’m being forcibly pulled out of the pilot’s seat. I can only watch as my arms and legs squirm autonomously, ablaze with pins and needles. 

\----------

 

Slowly it tapers off, and I’m able to pull myself into the fetal position, sweating profusely and shivering.

 

_ This is maybe the worst one I've ever had. Just from being yelled at for thirty seconds. How pathetic.  _

 

As I start to regain awareness of my surroundings, it dawns on me that I’m lying with my face on the floor of a public bathroom. I lurch into an upright position, repulsed by the idea of the terms and filth I've been lying in.

 

_ That was a mistake _

 

With a sudden rush my head feels like it’s being crushed under the tire of a bus. My guts somersault, and before I know it, I’m retching into the toilet.

 

_ Oh god, it’s in my hair… and my hair is in the toi- _

 

Again. 

 

_ I don’t think I’ll feel truly clean for the rest of my life. _

 

After some time I’m able to stand, albeit unsteadily. I shamble over to the sink and rinse out my soiled hair as best I can.

 

_ How long have I been in here? _

 

On shaky legs I make my way back to the clubroom. Thankfully it’s empty. My stuff, save for the presumably-confiscated wine bottle, is still at the desk in the back corner. I drop my book twice as I fumble with useless hands, trying to get it into my bag. 

 

_ I’m so FUCKING stupid. How did I ever think this would be a good idea? Now the one person who might have considered me a friend hates me. _

 

Fresh, hot tears leak leak from my already-raw eyes. I need to get home before anyone sees me like this. I can barely think straight, and half thoughts I can manage are  _ the images _ . 

Gashes. Seeping. Oozing. Spilling. Red. 

Red like wine.

Red. 

  
  


_ Red. _

 

**Author's Note:**

> My interpretation of the wine incident described by Monika in Act 3.  
> Sorry if the panic attack is a bit much. It was written based on my own experience with panic disorder and was sort of a way for me to vent.  
> Also, if Sayori's reaction seems like overkill to you, stay tuned because the reasoning is revealed later in the series, in the visual work "Doki Doki Helpful Friend Club"


End file.
